Depression, when based on poor self esteem and poor body image, is a severely terrible vicious cycle.
I feel bad about myself
Nom nom on the cookies
Now I'm totally looking fat and old
Nom nom on the burger and fries
I shouldn't be eating this
Frown, cry, and nom nom on something bad some more.
Rinse and Repeat.
I feel like crap...and depressed...and then I eat...and feel like crap because of what I'm doing. And you'd think the obvious solution would be to only feed my emotions with healthy foods, but my brain takes on a life of it's own. It's like invasion of the body snatchers and before I know it, half a container of those delicious sugar cookies with the heaping mound of frosting is already gone.
And to top it all off, I wore the least flattering, slinky, clingy top I probably own to work today. I look like crap. I'm hanging out all over the place and you can see the jiggle when I walk. This will get washed and then promptly thrown into the closet of "clothes I'll fit into because I did when I met my husband". In there would be my goal size 10 skinny jeans from Old Navy that I haven't worn in a really really long time.
The Super Bowl was this weekend and we had friends in town. I might as well have been turned into an actual pig with what I put into my mouth. It was outrageous. But I didn't stop it. I thought about it a few times...unfortunately, however, that thing about it being the thought that counts, doesn't work when you stuff your face with mini corndogs and beer and super bowl party munchies for an entire weekend.
I haven't weighed myself and I'm debating on whether or not to put it off for another week.
I feel like such a failure. I always get to the 10 lb loss mark and something in me just reverts back to old ways. It drives me crazy and makes me sad that I could be so weak. Again. I can get tattoos. I did roller derby. I can break bones without shedding a single tear. But ask me to say no to those cookies and you might as well kill me now.
This is hard! I knew it was going to be tough...but man! Between the plague and now my sciatic nerve going completely haywire, I'm forced to rely completely on my diet...which is obviously incredibly difficult. Massive sigh.
I don't know how, but I have to get through this.
